


out of sight, not out of mind

by orphan_account



Series: i write this because i want to [2]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Not K-Pop Idols, Doyoung is graduating soon, Is it true?, Johnny is an office worker, M/M, they say absence makes the heart grow fonder
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-31
Updated: 2020-08-31
Packaged: 2021-03-07 00:28:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,078
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26217907
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Everyone knows Johnny and Doyoung have always been attached at the hip.One day, though, Johnny told Doyoung that they need a break.What?
Relationships: Kim Dongyoung | Doyoung/Suh Youngho | Johnny
Series: i write this because i want to [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1937356
Comments: 6
Kudos: 85





	out of sight, not out of mind

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: lots of swear words.
> 
> i wrote this on my old iphone's notes app and there is no word count there so i had no idea how this even reached 10k words. it's utter crap lol

**Something happened.**

And it might blow his head up. Very soon.

Today, Johnny leaves his work two hours early. He works in a company that doesn't require him to be warming the office chairs nine hours per day. But that's not the reason. He gets off work earlier because he is unable to function.

"You look awful." His managing director had voiced her concerns earlier, to which he responded with a tight-lipped smile. 

"Go home, Johnny. Go get a hug from your boyfriend or something. Everything is done anyway." Though he was not sure about the boyfriend bit, he wished everyone a wonderful weekend and left for the subway station.

Stepping inside the subway car, Johnny heaves a sigh of relief when he sees an empty seat in the corner of (he takes a quick glance to his left) car no. 1. He is surprised that he even gets a chance to see a Seoul subway being moderately empty on a Friday. But then again, it's probably because it's not even 4 pm yet.

Johnny sits down leaning his head on the metal wall of the moving train. It feels cold against his head. Perfect. He probably needs that to cool down his boiling head. _As if!_

He starts eyeing his surroundings, a number of girls and boys sitting with their eyes glued on their phones. His mind wonders what they are doing there. Could they be reading something? leaving anonymous comments under celebrity posts? Or chatting with their loved ones? He shifts in his seat upon arriving at that last thought. He usually does that too. But not today. He tries very hard not to reach his phone today.

Well. . .

Not until he feels his phone vibrates on his thigh.

It's a series of message notifications from a contact name that reads "him". 

_"Johnny"_

_"Baby ~"_

_"Mama Suh's love Johnny~~"_

_"My love Johnny~~~~~"_

_"Johnny hyung!!!"_

_"Are you on your way home yet?"_

_"What should we do this weekend?"_

_"I miss you so much"_

_"Ah what do I do"_

_"I love you so much I don't think I can live without you."_

Johnny draws a long sigh upon reading those texts popping up on his screen. He locks his phone back and decides to pretend to not having seen them. Text him back later when he reaches home probably? Or just not reply at all? Right now, he really just doesn't feel like replying to him. Doyoung. His boyfriend for almost a year.

Doyoung messages and calls him often. It's not like Johnny hates the attention, he _loves_ what they have. But he has not been able to match his boyfriend's energy lately. Because, you know, something happened.

Something that has been making him uneasy. Something, said by someone, that hurts his pride and ego. 

But. He can think about _that_ again later because the next station is his stop and he obviously cannot afford missing it right now. Standing up to reach the handrail near the door, he briefly considers reaching his phone again but stops himself. 

Chewing his bottom lip, he contemplates again to just give it a go. _Okay, fuck it._

_"You should be able to live without me."_

Johnny finally sends his reply, typed short and quick. He puts his phone on a flight mode and shoves it back into his pants' pocket as he gets off the subway. As he jogs to reach his home faster, he thinks to himself, he's fucked up.

He's fucked up. Yes he has.

But his mind is already made up. He is going to say it tonight. The sooner. The better.

Living a world away from his parents was not easy in his first few years. When he was still a student at Y University with tons of emotionally and physically draining workload to finish every single day, he did get homesick quite often. It ate him up mentally, but he kept it all within himself. Things started improving when he grew close to someone he met during an annual campus jazz festival in his 5th semester; someone who offered to share his mat upon seeing him hesitating to sit down on the bare ground. 

"I'm Doyoung. Glad to meet you too, Johnny," he said. "Or should I" there was a brief pause, "call you hyung?" Doyoung offered with a kind smile and Johnny didn't reject the suggestion. 

In reality, though, Doyoung rarely calls him "hyung"; he only calls him that whenever he is _needy_.

That first encounter was followed by more meetups. Months after that, they grew even closer. Although the feeling was mutual and equally acknowledged, they never dated until just around a year ago. Johnny had swore to himself that he would never date anyone before getting that degree. They both transformed into each other's comfort and Johnny's homesickness began fading away.

And now at twenty four, with his own apartment in the middle of the capital city, he almost never needs to deal with that issue anymore. Settling in Seoul is something that young Johnny would never even spare a thought of. He has been enjoying it so far. 

But not now. 

Because of _that_ ; something happened. In a bar. A few days ago. Was it a week? He can't quite place it. He's been losing his sense of time lately.

Standing in his boxers with his wet hair, he makes his way to the kitchen to get some water. That's when his phone rings. It's him. He doesn't even remember switching off the flight mode nor connecting to the wifi. But, he lets it pass and takes the call.

"Have you had dinner?" Doyoung asks. Like usual. It's his love language.

"Yeah, how about you?" _Their_ love language.

"I have. Kinda?"

"What do you mean kinda? Please eat properly." Johnny says as he walks to his bedroom.

"I just can't? I keep thinking about your text but you don't even read my replies."

 _Sorry_ , Johnny meant to say. But this time, he will let the silence do the talking.

He bites his inner lip and studies his thumb and forefinger rubbing together. 

His room is so quiet that he can hear the loud thumping sounds coming from his racing heartbeats. He hopes Doyoung can't hear it from the other side. 

But Johnny needs to say it soon. _They_ need this.

He clears his throat and begins,

"Doyoung. . I think. . . I need some space." 

"Oh? Are you an astronaut now?"

"Stop joking."

"You stop joking. It's not funny."

"I am not joking. We need a break. Now go grab a proper dinner, okay? Night, babe."

Johnny hangs up, then turns off his phone and switches off his nightstand lamp. He is almost sure his heart is now inside his skull instead of ribs, judging by how loud it sounds in his ears.

But, at least, he's done it. 

That someone owes him a standing ovation.

**

Who the heck cares about dinner?! 

Doyoung stares at the phone on his hand, completely dumbfounded. He cannot believe what just happened. 

It takes a solid five minutes for Doyoung to finally accept that Johnny really just asked for a break. Johnny, the man he is head over heels in love with, just told him that he needs some space. 

Doyoung throws his body on the bed and looks up at the ceiling, thinking. Has he been invading his space too much? He must have. And Johnny doesn't like that. It's Doyoung's own fault from taking too much of his space. Now he probably can't breathe. Because his space is so full of Doyoung, Doyoung, and Doyoung. So much Doyoung that Johnny feels suffocated.

He screams into his pillow as his vision starts to become blurry, his eyes are now filling up, his nose runny and he can only hear so much ringing in his ears. He heard Johnny clearly but he still does not understand what that is all about. 

_"It's my fault. I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry."_

He hopes he will get a reply this time. He waits. And waits.

But it doesn't come, so he sends another one.

_"Is sorry even enough?"_

He still hopes Johnny will answer.

Doyoung wakes up with a severe headache at 12.25 PM. He does not remember when he fell asleep last night, heck, he does not even remember falling asleep at all. All that he can feel right now is that his eyes are fucking heavy. But when his breath stutters a little, he is reminded of what happened last night.

"Doyoung, you plan to stay holed up in there all fucking day?" Doyoung hears Ten shout from somewhere in the house they share. Probably the kitchen. He doesn't care. Dealing with his housemates is the very last thing that he wants to do right now.

When he feels his phone vibrates, he sits up and wishes that it's a text from Johnny.

Please let it be Johnny. Please let it be Johnny. Let it be him. Let it be him. 

He does not even ask for a good morning text like usual. He just wants _a_ text. Any kind. Any form. Anything. 

And no, it's not from Johnny. His heart sinks.

This break hasn't even started yet. (Or has it?) But his world is already over. 

_"We spare some food for you if you ever feel like eating."_

_"Sure. Thanks, Kun."_ Doyoung sends his reply and lets his phone fall in between his laps.

His eyes are now stuck on a polaroid hung on the wall in front of him. It's a photo of Johnny that he took when they went on a date at a rooftop eatery somewhere in the city, to celebrate his success in getting a job offer in a highly reputable company. Even before he graduated. That man. He's always above and beyond. What a brilliant man. 

Johnny looked happy in that photo. He himself was happy that day. They were both happy. They were. 

Doyoung chuckled at the irony. Having to use past tense to describe Johnny and him. Who would have thought, right?

When he checks his phone again, he learns that Johnny hasn't even read the messages he sent last night. 

He sends another text, just because.

_"I miss you."_

This time, he doesn't even expect a reply.

  
  


When Doyoung finally leaves his room to get something to eat, it's already dark outside. The last time he heard Johnny's voice was exactly twenty four hours ago. And Johnny's long-overdue reply still hasn't come. 

"Who are you and what have you done to Kim Doyoung?" Ten asks, pulling a chair in front of him.

"It's Saturday. Why are you home?"

"I could ask the same to you."

"I just want to sleep in."

"Lies." Ten says as he stands up to get his yogurt from the fridge.

"Whatever."

"You look like you spent your whole night crying. Does this have anything to do with Johnny?"

"That's privacy."

"Privacy?" Ten snickers at him. "Coming from you who always post Instagram updates about the man you date? That's rich."

"Why are you so rude?"

"I am not. I just state facts and you're just being sensitive."

"Wow. I really just don't want to talk to you right now. Fuck off, Ten." 

Doyoung puts the dishes in the sink and walks back to his room, which smells disgustingly musty. A mix of body odor, bacteria, and probably dried salty tears trapped inside his crumpled blanket and unmade bed. 

Picking up his sweater from the floor, he hears Ten shout, "why are you so emotional?!" Doyoung slams his bedroom door close in response. The bang should be loud enough to shut him up. 

To his complete surprise, he has gotten two missed calls from Johnny seven minutes ago. 

Thanking God, whom he does not even believe in, he calls Johnny's phone number back.

He never realizes how nerve-racking it can be to be waiting for someone to pick up your call like your life depended on it. Because he almost never needed to wait before. Yeah, before. Johnny usually picks up in a blink of an eye (except when he is busy. But he always makes sure to let Doyoung know whenever he is). But that doesn't apply to now, does it? 

He waits.

And waits. 

He feels like he has been waiting for one thousand years in the span of just one day.

"Hi. Sorry. My phone was off all day until a few mins ago," Johnny answers. 

That voice. Doyoung smiles in relief. The voice that he's been dying to hear all day. He can feel his heart melts inside his ribs.

"Hi. . . Fine, I guess? I am happy you called."

"Have you eaten anything yet today?"

He said it! Their love code! Doyoung is now 100% sure he hears his inner self scream at the top of their lungs and his legs look like they want to detach themselves from his hips to do a somersault. 

"Um, yeah, yeah. I have. Have you?"

"Still waiting for the order to arrive."

"It's quite late for dinner tho. Are you out?"

"No, I'm home. But Taeyong is here."

 _Ah. Right. Taeyong. The best friend who once had a crush on Johnny._

He feels his then melted heart quickly transform into a stone. Nature needs a hundred million years of pressure to form stones. But Johnny can do that in a second. 

"Hi Doyoung!!! I'm stealing your man for tonight!!!" Taeyong shouts from afar in the background.

_Haha. Not funny._

He throws his (aching) head back and closes his eyes. He sees the world stop rotating before them. He wonders why he even carries the whole world inside his head; it's too big for someone as lithe as him. 

"Johnny?"

"Hm?"

"Are you serious? About what you said last night?"

"The break?"

"Yeah, that."

"Uhuh. It'd be good for us to have some space for ourselves? I also want to find out more about what I want in the future. About our relationship. About us. I don't know if that makes sense."

"No. It completely doesn't make sense to me. Sorry."

"It will. You'll get there."

_Huh. What?_

"But why? Why are you asking for this?"

"Like I said, we need space for ourselves, Doyoung." 

_You_ _need space for yourself_. Doyoung corrects him in his head. And for the first time in his life, he hates the way Johnny says his name.

"You said it's a break. Will you slip away in the end?"

_Please say no. Give me a no, Johnny. You were the one who pieced me back together after that bad break-up. Please._

Doyoung prays, so much praying for someone who does not believe in God.

It's all silence from Johnny's line. There is a riot wreaking havoc on Doyoung's head.

"Now listen, okay? I am not breaking up with you. We are just going to be on a pause. We'll figure things out on our own. And when we are ready, we'll go back to how we used to."

_"You didn't answer my questions."_

That's what Doyoung wants to say, but what comes out of his mouth is:

"If you want it that bad, then fine."

"Right. Wait, our order is here. Talk to you later? Or not. Since, you know, we're on a break."

"Enjoy your dinner with Taeyong. Night. Or bye."

That was all he got in return after crying all night. He turns off his phone and almost throws it against the wall. He has this weird, strong urge to just watch it fall and crack in pieces. Just so he can get a visual representation of the heart inside his ribs breaking apart. 

It's impressive how Johnny can melt his heart, turn it into stone, and break it into pieces. All in less than an hour. 

Love is such a peculiar force.

**

Johnny's apartment is nothing sort of luxurious. It's comfortable and enough to accommodate him (and Doyoung, really). The walls are mostly in white, except the bedroom which Johnny had painted grey in an attempt to make it appear more spacious. 

The whole studio is a mix combination of earthy colors: beige for his couch, brown tables, green cupboards and green artificial plants, black frames on the wall and a sprinkle of yellow on some of his throw pillows (which Doyoung had suggested buying, because yellow reminds him of the sun, happiness, and Johnny). 

He did not intend to actually turn his home to be completely Scandinavian, but how else would you expect it to look like if everything in there is resulted from his little dates in IKEA with Doyoung.

With regards to Taeyong, he is no stranger to the apartment. Johnny has made it clear that the door is always open for his best friends. Just like today. He appeared out of nowhere just to "sit his butt in" before going to the bar he will try for the first time, with Taeil and Yuta. Johnny was invited, but at twenty-four, he has more than enough capability to know how to say no. 

And now, they are both in front of the ignored TV, chewing their food. Johnny sits cross-legged on the carpeted floor and Taeyong on the couch on his right side. The elephant in the room keeps getting bigger and bigger it might explode and destroy his apartment to the ground. 

Johnny's Judgment Day is coming soon.

Because Taeyong was there all the way through his phone call with Doyoung.

"So," Taeyong begins. "You guys break up?" 

Johnny can see Taeyong's glued eyebrows.

"Just a break," Johnny clarifies. "But he hasn't been receiving it well, I guess."

"Of course, are you dumb? What did you expect?" Taeyong pauses to drink. "Look, you two have been together for long enough. Ever since you both made it official and stuff, you guys are basically inseparable. I believe Doyoung has been sleeping here more than on his own bed in that cheap student housing. And now you are asking for a break?"

"I know. But something has been bugging me lately."

"And what is _this_ something?" 

"Why do you sound so skeptical about my life choices?" 

"No offense, Johnny, but" Taeyong says while waving his spoon in front of him. Johnny knows, every statement that begins with a no-offense is gonna be fully offensive. "I just think that you act kinda asshole-ish right now."

Well.

He wants to take full offense, but he takes his glass and downs the remaining soju instead.

"Lots of people I know go on a break," Taeyong air quotes, "as an excuse to get out of an established relationship so that they can fuck anyone else that walks on two legs." 

"And you think I'd do that?"

"And you think you wouldn't?"

There is an uncomfortable moment of silence after Taeyong posed the question and Johnny is starting to feel that anger is slowly building up inside him. He feels his body's temperature rise up as he sways his empty glass in circular motion, staring down blankly at the table. 

"Right. Should call it a night. Feel free to stay and do whatever until Yuta or Taeil picks you up." Johnny stands up, one hand rubbing the back of his neck and the other inside his sweatpants' pocket. He decides he will do the dishes tomorrow. 

As he heads to his bathroom to wash himself, Taeyong blurts out, "Fab, Johnny! You didn't even answer me on the thing that's bugging you."

Right.

The thing that's been bugging him. 

Something happened. At the bar. When Doyoung excused himself for the restroom.

Someone told him, he feels that:

Doyoung has been too attached to Johnny.

Johnny does not love Doyoung as much as Doyoung loves Johnny. 

Ever since they got together, Johnny has sucked the life out of Doyoung.

He has stolen Doyoung's sense of self. 

"You don't deserve to take all those away from him." Johnny remembers every. single. word.

And then came the warning.

"Give it a break."

Someone.

  
  


Doyoung's brother. 

Johnny splashes water on his face and stares at himself in the mirror. 

Maybe Doyoung's brother, whom he respects so much, is right. 

**

There are four people that Doyoung would die for in his life.

Mom.

Dad.

Brother.

And the other one is Johnny. 

One night, bodies glued and legs tangled up around each other under Johnny's warm blanket, they played the game This or That, which they once heard on a radio somewhere. Johnny asked, Doyoung answered. Vice versa.

"Coffee or tea?"

"Tea." Doyoung doesn't drink coffee. 

"Cute or sexy?"

"Sexy."

"Your brother or me?"

"Pass. I love all my family and you."

"Fair enough."

"My turn. Mom or dad?"

"Mom." 

"Okay, god or me?" Johnny asked. Teasing.

"Johnny, you _are_ god." 

Johnny laughed and Doyoung stared at him.

"Good god Johnny," he said his name in a breathy whisper, like it's some kind of a prayer. Then he kissed, and kissed, and kissed the man who was holding him. He kissed him on his chin, on his lips, on his cheeks, on his nose, his eyelids, anywhere. He kissed him everywhere. He devoured him; he worshipped him.

But when Doyoung said Johnny is god, he was referring to his inhumane beauty, to how he makes him believe and how he makes the moon in his nights gleam, to the stars he puts in his universe, the angels he conducts to sing him to sleep and the heavens he brings Doyoung into. 

Not the god who makes the earth shake, who cracks the lands open so it could swallow him whole, who dumps so much filthy water so he drowns and loses breath, who makes the sun shine so hot it creates fire and lets things burn to ashes. 

When he told him he is god, this was not what he meant.

"Doyoung? Hello?" Kun's voice snaps him out of his train of thoughts. He does not realize he was even spacing out the entire time.

"Gosh. You look fucking terrible." This must be Ten. 

"Sorry. I didn't hear you guys." Doyoung begins scooping the soup Kun has kindly prepared for the whole house. Even eating that used to be a pleasure has become such a chore now. 

"Are you sure you don't wanna talk about whatever it is that's on your mind?" Ten asks.

"I'm fine." 

"You obviously are," Jaehyun says sarcastically, still not looking up from his phone. "You look like someone who's just been dumped. _Ow_! Fuck you, Ten." 

Doyoung doesn't need to look to know Ten has just kicked him in the shin under the table.

"WHAT THE FUCK?! Did you and Johnny actually break up?!" finally putting his phone down, Jaehyun stares at Doyoung, then at Ten, then at Kun and then back at Doyoung again. With his jaw fully open.

"You're unbelievable, Jaehyun. I'm out!" Ten shakes his head and gets up from the chair to go straight to his room. The room he shares with Jaehyun, who hops behind him shortly after while mouthing an inaudible " _Oops! Sorry!_ " at Kun. 

"If you ever feel like screaming, we're all ears, you know that." Kun reminds him. Doyoung nods and smiles. 

Except, Doyoung no longer feels like screaming. He wants to magically be out of sight and eventually evaporates into thin air. Just like what Johnny does to him now. 

**

This is the third week of No Doyoung Week in Johnny's life. It's still Wednesday. Used to be his favorite day because it's when Doyoung will stay the night. And will not leave until Sunday. 

But at least, he has something to look forward to tonight: the bar with his friends.

To think that he makes it to half of the third week without dying is impressive. Because the first week was rough. 

All the positive words found in his dictionary of life had disappeared. The waters had dried off the earth. The sky turned gray. The sun did not shine. The yellow throw pillows on his couch had somehow lost their color. 

His mornings would start with slapping himself awake, because he couldn't sleep the night before. Then he would unconsciously reach his phone to text Doyoung good morning, only to delete it then throw the phone on the bed. Whenever he entered his bathroom, he would close his eyes and sigh because of Doyoung's toothbrush standing beside his own. His breakfast tasted stale so he always ended up throwing them to the bin.

Whenever he closed his door for work, a picture of Doyoung leaving kisses on his lips and telling him to "come home safe" would always come to mind. He did not know how to walk without stumbling over something. Anything. From stones to table corners to people. He knocked over everything like some random drunkard. 

Then some nights, he would stare at his phone wishing he was having their usual night calls after rough days, listening to each other's voices and laughters and giggles. He would rewatch _Brooklyn 99_ to get himself to laugh. Only to break down upon seeing Jake and Amy kiss. He couldn't find the show funny anymore. 

Then he would lie down remembering how he let Doyoung run his feet up and down Johnny's naked legs because, Doyoung would say, "my feet are always hot and your legs are cold”; how Doyoung would throw himself on top of his body and use his chest as a leverage to pop the whiteheads on his nose and how Doyoung would slap his hand away whenever he tried to stop him; how Doyoung would scold him whenever he forgot to pull the chair back in after meals; how he hugged Doyoung to sleep because he cried from too much stress doing his thesis. 

When he returned to his bedroom, he would find Doyoung's favorite pen, perfume, socks, or t-shirt, or boxers. He would always find something Doyoung. Anywhere. Everywhere in his house. 

He never realized that a home had a soul. And it was losing half of it.

On Friday of that week, he stayed at the office longer.

"Overtime?" His colleague asked.

"Well. . I have trouble sleeping so might as well finish all of these."

"You work out, right? That might help, you know." 

Then he started going back to the gym right after. He begged his personal trainer to work him hard and so he did; he would work out to the point that he was completely spent and breathless. That was when he was able to sleep again. But he stopped two days after he injured his ankle--not that it was _really_ serious but it did push him to work from home the whole second week. With high fever and a never-ending headache. And with so much Doyoung looming over his head and his home. Further the agony.

Taeyong, Yuta and Taeil would occasionally come over to drop some food but he would rather suffer alone than listen to their endless complaints about his behavior. 

"Only god knows how he didn't dump you first instead." Yuta shook his head in disbelief.

He started going back to the office this week. He would rather handle some ankle pain than to stay at home. In the subway this morning, his heart almost leaped out from its cage when he saw a boy in a denim jacket and a white cap. Of course that wasn't Doyoung. It's just Johnny's brain hallucinating. 

Now he's sitting alone at a bar, waiting for his friends to show up. He was the one picking the place because it looked empty from the outside. He only needed the alcohol, not the loud music and crowded bodies pressing against each other. 

This bar is indeed empty.

"Rough day?" the bartender starts asking.

"Kinda. Is this usually _this_ empty?"

"At this hour yes. They'll come in a few hours." He says with a smile. Johnny guesses he might be Doyoung's age.

"I see." Johnny sips a bit from his glass.

"Your Korean sounds interesting. Reminds me of someone I knew. He grew up in the US before coming back here."

Johnny lets out a surprised laugh.

"That's exactly my case. I might know that guy? You know, we have this group of Koreans living in America thingy." 

They continue sharing stories: about the guy, how Johnny finds life different in the US and here, about why he decides to work in the bar, what Johnny does and all the small bits in life. 

Sometimes, it's easier to talk to strangers.

"Do you want to play?" the bartender gestures at the pool table. 

"Sure. My friends should be here soon but why not, right?"

They move to the pool and start laughing at how bad Johnny plays. But he finds himself enjoying both the game and the bartender's company. 

Maybe it's the alcohol starting to work in his system or maybe the bartender really does start moving closer to him. The tension is maddening. Johnny is trying hard to multitask, stopping the other person from moving too close and shaking himself off to go back to his senses. But he feels like he is unable to move. 

That's when his arm is pulled off by two hands and followed by a strong punch landing on his cheek. So hard his head falls to the pool table. 

"What the fuck, Johnny? Are you really going to start fucking whoever that walks on two legs now that you are on a break from Doyoung?" Johnny hears Taeyong's voice. 

He gets up to wipe the blood coming out of his nose. "I'll pay first and we can leave. Sorry for the mess."

"Thank you." Johnny says as he gets out of Taeil's car, coughing and eventually throwing up. Everything finally falls down.

The four of them are now sitting in his small kitchen. Johnny rests his head on the wall looking lifeless, as usual. Taeyong looks guilty for punching him in the face. But that's not what needs to be addressed right now.

"Look, Johnny. This needs to end. I am sick of seeing you living like a freaking zombie." Taeil starts. "You're twenty four. You can't be living like _this_."

"Did I kiss him? The bartender?"

"No. You didn't. He confirmed it himself."

"Good."

"Now tell us what happened with Doyoung. Just be honest. Fuck. I've been really hating the way you behave. I'm not joking." Taeil says.

Johnny still shuts his mouth shut. Yuta begins to drum his restless fingers on the table.

"I. . ." Johnny starts, eyes looking at anything else but the friends around him. "I can't sleep. I haven't been eating well. I guess that's why I threw up."

"Tell us what happened with Doyoung, asshole."

"Right. Him. It's complicated."

"We don't care how complicated it is. Just tell us or else we'll send you to the hospital and tell Doyoung that you're hospitalized."

"No. Don't. With Doyoung, I told him I need a break. Because his brother told me that he isn't the Doyoung he knows. So I need to give it a break for Doyoung to find himself again. Yeah that. That's what we are doing now."

"Fucking stupid." Yuta remarks.

"Does Doyoung know?" Taeyong asks, sounding concerned.

"I don't know. We are not talking."

"Great." Taeil claps his hands together. "We're still sending you to the hospital. This is bad and I am not letting you stay here alone with those bad thoughts. You're calling in sick tomorrow. Okay. Get up, Johnny. Now!"

Missing Doyoung really is the root of all evils.

**

It's the fourth Friday.

Ever since that Friday night, Doyoung now measures the week in Fridays. First Friday. Second Friday. Third Friday. How many Fridays left? He doesn't know. He doesn't know who to ask. 

Pulling out the phone from his denim pocket, he goes straight to Johnny's name. His thumbs hover over the keyboard and type, _"My heart is about to fly out of my chest. And it's fucking painful. You're such a jerk!"_

And then, he deletes it and puts the phone back in his pocket. At least it releases some tension. 

"Jesus Christ!" Doyoung hisses as he almost trips over a stone in front of him and the tension comes rushing back. 

He is now on his way to meet his Sociology professor to discuss the progress of his thesis.

If it weren't because of his four years of blood and tears juggling between studying two full-time degrees (plus Ten's snarky remarks), he would probably choose to run away from finishing it completely. Because, for the last few weeks, his brain has not been functioning normally. 

"That draft isn't going to magically revise itself while you sit there crying over your long lost asshole ex," Ten said one night. Probably around the second Friday.

"Ten, please." Kun warned.

"What? I am not gonna coddle him like a freaking baby. He's twenty two with two degrees to finish." He said to Kun. And then turned to look at Doyoung, "if you don't wanna talk about why you are like this or about what happens with Johnny, fine. I respect that. But I'm not gonna let you keep wallowing in all these useless emotions. For a moment, put yourself first above all." Ten paused, stomping his feet and grabbing a full fist of his own hair. "ARGH! Doyoung! Why--

"Is he breaking down again?" Everyone turned to look at the source of the voice. Since when did Jaehyun come in? Noone seemed to notice.

Doyoung looked up to meet everyone's eyes and smiled, "thank you. I needed all of that." Everyone cheered. 

"But please don't call Johnny an asshole." Everyone rolled their eyes and sighed in unison.

That day, he spent his night thinking, Johnny was probably right when he chose not to date him until he finished college. 

Now Doyoung is the one in this hellhole of emotions. It's his own fault. Not Johnny's.

The discussion with his thesis advisor runs fine and insightful. As usual, he attentively listens to the professor, noting down any important points and referenced books he will need to read later. In the end, he gets some warnings that the deadline is approaching and if he keeps this pace, he will have to take another semester. His stomach churns.

Before Doyoung leaves, his professor fixes her glasses and looks at him, "Doyoung, this isn't how you usually perform. I know you're not at your best right now. I hope you'll be okay soon." 

Doyoung chuckles at himself, "thank you for your help with my thesis and your kind words."

"Cheer up. For the Library Science master degree!"

 _For Library Science_ , he repeats. Doyoung smiles and bows his head to her to excuse himself.

With his laptop in his hand, he walks up to the campus coffee shop to do the suggested readings. But something stops him at the door of the building. His breath hitches. 

Johnny Suh.

He steps closer to the banner ad displayed in the hallway; it's a poster of some event on digital storytelling and marketing or some stuffs organized by the university's student council as part of an annual fair for the campus' anniversary. Doyoung scans the list of guests and speakers, and his eyes stop at his name there.

Johnny Suh

Marketing Communications Manager - A Inc.

School of Business Alumnus

Complete with a smiling photo of him looking gorgeous and dashing in a black suit. Even his photo on some random event advertisement can sweep Doyoung off his feet.

He has never seen that photo before. That must be a new one. He looks happy. He must be doing fine. He is doing fine without Doyoung. It must be nice to finally be able to breathe, right? And it stings his heart a little. Or a lot. He doesn't know.

And then it hits him. . .

It feels weird to find out what Johnny is currently up to from some random digital flyer in some random cafe instead of from Johnny himself. It feels painful to not be able to congratulate him for every little thing that he achieves. It feels weird and painful to not be a part of his life journey. Who knows what happens in the future.

"The event is this Sunday, if you don't notice." A voice startles him.

Doyoung looks up to see the person standing beside him, "Uh, Yuta. Hi." 

_Right. Yuta. One of Johnny's gang. A graduate student._ A voice inside him shouts, " _Awkward_!"

"You're blocking the way. So I had to step in." Yuta smiles. "I'm here for some coffee before my lecture in an hour, wanna join?"

"Sure, yeah." If there is one thing that Doyoung can probably learn from Johnny, it's How to Say No. Which is the department he obviously lacks.

"It's been ages. How's life?"

"As you can see," Doyoung points at his thesis notes and his laptop. "Thesis, life, you know. Things happen." Doyoung sips his green tea. "How's yours?"

"Nothing much. Life of a grad student, what do you expect." He laughs. Doyoung laughs too. To be polite.

Then there it is. The unpleasant pregnant silence. Even the cafe seems to stop playing songs. He doesn't know why. 

There is a battle inside his head if he should ask about Johnny, but Ten said that he should never want to find out about how his ex (well, not really) is doing. So he pushes his idea far, far to the very back of his head.

Yuta clears his throat to break the silence.

"Johnny is fine. Well, he wasn't. But he is now. You don't have to worry."

Doyoung looks down at his hand playing with the handle of the cup. _He wasn't fine._ That tugs at his heartstrings so hard they break apart.

"Why wasn't he fine?" He braves himself to ask, but not brave enough to look up. He doesn't want Yuta to see his face. What if his pain is so transparent on his face that even normal eyes can see it?

"Well, he just wasn't his best self. So much has happened this month."

"So much happened. And I wasn't a part of any of that." Doyoung thinks, or says. He doesn't know.

"Yeah. So much. But mostly bad. You should be glad that you're not a part of any of that, you know. The three of us just found out how much of an ass he is when he is sick. Gosh, Taeil almost kicked him in the ribs." Yuta chuckled recalling the memory. "You're great, Doyoung. Dealing with a man like that. I would never survive."

"He was sick?"

"You two really are not speaking at all, huh?"

Doyoung nodded. He is starting to be filled with guilt. Guilt is in the form of liquid. He concludes.

"He just got back to the office two days ago I guess. We ran him to the hospital because we didn't wanna take care of a grown ass man. But it was all because of us too, to be honest." Yuta continued to talk about what happened at the bar, what Johnny did the past four weeks, how he took up so many projects to keep himself busy. Then about how he almost couldn't recognize Johnny anymore, how he never tells jokes and how he doesn't laugh at their jokes like he used to. 

He said Johnny was guilty and sorry. Doyoung shuddered at that. 

"Fingers crossed for this Sunday. Hope he won't turn it into a complete snoozefest."

"He won't." Doyoung says.

"Have you found yourself back, Doyoung?"

"Huh?" 

"Ah. Never mind. Johnny told us the reason why he wanted the break is because you need to find yourself and stuff. Your brother suggested that. So I thought I might ask if you've found yourself back."

"My. . ." _What?_ Doyoung is completely taken aback, "My brother?" He swears he feels his head fly off from his neck. He wants to pass out. 

He puts everything back into his backpack and says goodbye to Yuta. 

He strides across the campus' pavements, then across the campus gate, then across the busy roads and then across the stairs of subway stations. He sprints through the traffic, walks through the crowd of pedestrians and knocks over countless shoulders, saying sorry after sorry. 

He needs to get there fast. 

So he runs, and runs, and runs.

But he's not home. Of course he's still at work. He tears off a piece of paper from his notebook and grabs a pen, he writes sloppily:

_"Meet me tomorrow at the B House. 19.00 sharp. Or you'll never speak to me again."_

He slips the paper under the door and goes back home. His brother should be glad Doyoung did not just elbow him in the face right that instant. 

Doyoung is now sitting across his brother, the monster behind all this destruction. The sound of roaring laughter, roaming wait staffs and clinking glasses mix together to fill the fancy restaurant. In the far corner, he sees a chef flambé his food at the table of a couple who look like they might be celebrating their anniversary. And he suddenly gets an idea of what to do with his brother. 

Is he evil for wanting to pour alcohol to the person in front him and then sets him on fire?

"Let me explain," his brother starts. 

"Explain." Doyoung chuckles. "You meant to say, let _me_ justify _my_ wrongdoings."

Then the preaching begins. Relationship sermons that he obviously does not even want to hear.

 _Shut up, shut up, shut up_ , he chants inside his head like a mantra that will magically bind his brother's lips together. He grips his fork so strongly he feels he might break it into two. He can do that. He is powerful now. Did you know that rage makes people a million times stronger? He has absorbed all the lightning powers from the sky and is ready to lash it out on his brother. His other hand turns into a fist under the table. He really wants to punch him in the face.

He stares down at his plate, holding his breath. Inside him are a thousand sirens wailing. The spaghetti in front of him begins to turn into worms fighting to slither out. Very unappealing. He is outraged. He wants to throw up. 

"You can't just depend your life on Johnny. You will never know. What if one day you get separated?" Doyoung is now gritting his teeth. So hard his jaw hurts. How dare he? How dare he have a say to whatever he and Johnny have? How dare he police how he should feel about Johnny? How dare he take Johnny away from him? He does not know about a damn thing!

His brother doesn't stop talking. But his words don't seem to produce any sound. Perhaps it's the ringing in his ears blocking them. Or maybe it's the sound of his boiling blood.

"Hyung. Stop talking." 

_I hate you so much_ , Doyoung meant to say.

"Listen. I respect you. A lot. Do you know that Johnny respects you too? So much, even. That's why he said yes to whatever you told him to. He's so stupid for even believing whatever you said. But also you, you are so. . . I don't know you. . . " 

Doyoung lets himself breathe. He can't recognize the man in front of him. Is he speaking to a fucking Goliath? 

"What. . . What do you even mean Johnny doesn't love me enough? Johnny was there when I was trying to get out of that awful breakup. _You_ know that. He was patient with me. I trust him. You know how hard it is for me to trust someone, right? He loves me. Enough! If anything, it's me who doesn't love him enough. I didn't even know he injured his legs for exercising too hard. I didn't even know he collapsed. I let him rot alone in that studio apartment. His family is continents away. Gosh. Who knows if he was even eating."

Doyoung inhales sharply and grits his teeth. He sees his brother open his mouth so he holds his hand up.

"Stop. I appreciate your worries. Thank you. But no, I am not losing my sense of self. I am still me. _I_ know _me_ . How did you even come into that conclusion? How? Just because I no longer sing in festivals like how I used to? I am in my last year of college! Not just one, but two degrees, okay? And Johnny. . . He helped me get through the first one. He hugged me when I broke down because I was anxious about what I wrote. He cooked for me when I was caught up with all the papers I had to read. He was the one helping me! And you. . Do you know how much I struggle with this thesis now because I'm always breaking down and Johnny isn't there to help me calm down? And how I thought he was the evil one who abandoned me? How I kept blaming him? I hurt him. _You_ hurt him. You should know. He is not stealing anything away from me. Not one single thing."

Doyoung stops to drink; he doesn't even care if the words that have come out of his mouth made sense.

"You. . . " he is sure he can vomit all the swear words he knows in front of his brother's face. But he schools his breathing. 

Inhale. 

Exhale. 

Inhale. 

Exhale.

He drags his gaze away from the table to look sharp at his brother's eyes. 

"You ruined it." He stops. "You ruined what's _mine_. You almost made me hate Johnny. You made him look like the villain of all of this. You almost made me lose faith in him."

He puts his fork down, pushes out his chair. "You know what? At least this will make it easier for me to choose when Johnny wants to play This or That again. Don't talk to me until you apologize to him."

His brother looks puzzled but Doyoung is done. _Tsk. Of course, you don't play This or That._ With that, he walks away from the table. He needs to get out here. He does not want to be in the same room as him. 

_Johnny, you're so freaking stupid_ , Doyoung thinks as he gets in a taxi.

His hand trembles as he reaches his phone in his pants. He types a short message, 

_"Good luck. For tomorrow."_

He presses send.

For the first time in weeks, he didn't delete what he types. 

It's the first thing he sends to him in a month. Who knows how many times he should've sent messages like that in the last four weeks. He probably missed a lot of Johnny's milestones. 

Doyoung rests his head and looks at the moving streets lamps outside the taxi. He feels like he's in some kind of a tragic movie where the main character just sends his lover to a far away land. Then his phone vibrates in his hand. 

It's "J" on the screen. There's an earthquake inside his heart.

_"Thank you."_

It's the first message he gets from him. And it's a thank you. Doyoung tightens his hold around his phone, wishing it was Johnny's hand instead.

Then comes another text.

_"That means a lot to me."_

He throws his head back and hopes he won't shed a tear. 

This is the first time in weeks that he can finally breathe in peace.

**

The sun finally shines in Johnny’s world.

For the first time in what feels like a thousand years, Johnny didn't need to take his sleeping pills to help him sleep. Waking up well-rested and at peace, he remembers last night clearly. He still thinks it's funny how Doyoung's message came in right after his parents' call. It's like the universe knows they are the three most favorite people in the world. 

And today is the day. It's not his first ever public speaking gig, but he feels strangely nervous about today. Maybe it's because of Doyoung's words. 

Or maybe because he plans to actually apologize to Doyoung tonight. Through a phone call of course. He is not ready to face him yet. But he will be.

When he arrives at the university's convention hall, he is surprised that a large crowd has gathered in the hallway. The event is a part of an annual fair organized by the students' council, done as a passed-down tradition to celebrate the university's birthday. A breath of fresh air in the middle of tormenting paperworks and assignments.

He sees his former professors and then walks up to them to catch up on how life has been going. Then more people come to his direction, his old friends, his current friends, the student council members that he has grown to know more. 

Yuta taps his shoulder, "don't make me yawn or you'll never get Doyoung back." 

"There’s a lot at stake for me then." Johnny laughs.

Then his eyes stop at a group of familiar faces. Them.

Ten, Kun, and Jaehyun. 

They give him a bow (or more like, a nod) and walk past him. He can feel that at least two of them want to blow his face off. 

For a second, he hopes to see the other one of the group.

The event is starting soon so he decides to go to the restroom to get ready. Hundreds of pairs of eyes are going to be there watching him (and the other guests too, of course) on stage. He can never get too prepared. 

When he reaches the restroom, he finds _him_. Washing his hands. The graceful, beautiful hands that Johnny has held so many times. But Johnny swears he's not looking. 

He feels like his knee caps are about to fall off. This is _not_ what he has in plan. He doesn't know what to do. Now he feels like a middle schooler running into his crush in a baseball field during PE class or something. His heartbeats are running 1000 bpm now. That's not normal. Has he gone nuts? He's twenty four, for god sake. Not some dumb middle schooler struggling to breathe because he runs into his crush in a baseball field during PE class. 

"Hi, I guess?" He looks at his eyes through the mirror. He meant: _"You look beautiful. As always. I've missed you so much I wish I was kissing and hugging you till your bones crash right now."_

"Hi" Doyoung says, smiling.

 _The_ smile. The gummy smile that he hasn't seen in a lifetime. The smile that he has kissed off of his face a thousand times. He missed it so much. He feels stupid. 

"Um. . It's starting now. Good luck? I'll be there." Then just like that, he smiles and waves goodbye. Johnny is definitely, totally drunk right now.

"I am usually a super confident person, but I'm feeling pretty nervous right now." Johnny begins speaking into the mic, chuckling, and there is one loud scream coming from the audience, "why?!"

"Why? Because I just met someone so beautiful earlier before I got on this stage. . . " the crowd _awwww_ -ed in unison. There is a distinct loud cheer from a specific section in the room, he's pretty sure it's full of girls. 

His session finished and he can tell it was a success by the many questions he received. Hopefully that was engaging enough for Yuta, he _needs_ to get Doyoung back. 

As soon as he gets off the stage and exits the auditorium hall, he finds Doyoung standing next to the exit door. He jumps. He panics. It's too late to even ask Google _what to do when you see your boyfriend that you abandon for the first/second time in a month._

Doyoung looks up from his phone and smiles. 

Putting one hand inside his pocket, Johnny dares himself to mutter some words, "should we. . ." motioning his thumb towards the outside of the building "grab something to drink and sit somewhere?"

"That'd be great."

"Sure. Yeah. That's. Great." The middle schooler Johnny is back.

They walk silently side by side. There is approximately a meter distance between them. Not too close. Or else Johnny might go rabid and start ravishing him like some kind of animal. Well, that's super inappropriate. 

Johnny orders drinks for the both of them, one hot americano for himself and a hot green tea for Doyoung. He turns around to look at the man behind him.

"Are you up for some snacks?"

"No, I'm not hungry."

"Right."

There is a bench somewhere in the back of the university hall, below some green trees and away from the crowds. The bench is exactly one meter long so Johnny gives himself an imaginary pat on the head. No more distance. 

He notices that the sun really does shine today. The flowers have blossomed in full force. The wind breeze feels nice against his face. And he can feel the warmth emanating from Doyoung's side. It feels good. _So_ good.

"Sorry." "Sorry."

Both of them say at the same time.

Johnny faces Doyoung who is facing down at the cup held between his hands. 

"You don't have to. The blame is on me. I'm his brother. I'm sorry I didn't reach out first. I'm sorry I didn't ask. I'm sorry I wasn't there when you were sick alone in your apartment. I'm sorry I wasn't there in your life. I'm"

"Doyoung?"

"I'm sorry. It's my fault."

"Doyoung, are you done?"

Doyoung finally looks at him and shakes his head, signaling that he's not done. 

"Can you put your cup down and stand up?" Johnny asks.

"What for?"

"Just stand up?"

Doyoung does. 

Then Johnny pulls him into a tight hug and Doyoung's hands are trapped between their chests. 

Johnny breathes him in. Deep. He wants to inhale as much Doyoung as possible. 

He can feel Doyoung slowly melts in his arms. 

When Doyoung moves his hands to hug him back, that's when Johnny starts to move his hand to stroke Doyoung's hair. 

"I'm sorry. For not loving you enough."

"No!" Doyoung protests.

"Just listen, okay? I'm sorry. For stealing your sense of self. For making you lose yourself. For not being there when you were breaking down. For not giving you hugs. For not replying to your texts back. For being such an asshole. For letting someone else drive what I should do with _us_. I'm sorry."

They stay silent. Sometimes you just need to listen to nothing.

"But I have a question though."

"Yeah?" Doyoung looks up to see Johnny with his twinkling eyes.

"Did you take a shower this morning?"

Johnny uttered a yelp as Doyoung stomped at his dress shoes. 

"Fuck you."

"I love that. When you swear."

"It's cause you're weird."

"I asked if you take a shower because you smell oh so amazing." Johnny breathes him in again. "Now my next question."

"What." 

"Can I kiss you?"

"No."

"Well. . Right. That's fair."

"But _I_ can." 

Next thing he knows, he is already pushed against a tree; his head is grabbed down and held in between Doyoung's cold hands. Then Doyoung smashes their lips together. Hard. He sucks, bites, and licks. Sucks, bites, and licks. Then sucks, bites, and licks again.

"Fuck." Doyoung breathes in his face. "I really, really, really want you for myself. Forever." And chases Johnny's lips again. And then they're back to kissing.

Until. .

"Show's over, boys!" Yuta finds them. "Johnny, you promised you'll drive me to Taeyong's place. Sorry, Doyoung."

Johnny looks at his watch. Yeah. A promise is a promise.

"Right. Meet me around lunch time tomorrow at our usual cafe?"

"Yeah. Can't wait." Doyoung lets go of him and smiles his gummy smile. Lips red from too much kissing (or, sucking Johnny's face off, to be exact). 

**

They are sitting in a two-story cafe they used to visit on the regular (before they went on their break, that is). The owner and the staffs know them enough to comfortably joke around every time they visit. They have their favorite spot on the second floor, the one with a medium couch in the corner which actually allows them to sit comfortably beside each other.

It's 2.15 PM in the afternoon, so the cafe is not too crowded; the second floor is empty.

Johnny scoots over and puts his elbow on the table to have a better look at Doyoung. 

"Listen. This is our song." Johnny says, referring to the song the cafe is playing.

_Can I go where you go?_

_Can we always be this close forever and ever?_

Doyoung glances at him, suddenly feels sheepish and folds his arms on the table to hide his face, "stop looking at me like that!"

"I've missed you so much, you know," Johnny fiddles with the younger's fingers one by one.

"I kinda miss you too."

"Only kinda? O~kay"

Doyoung missed him. A lot. But he just doesn't want to give it away too much.

"Anyway. . "

"What? Don't tell me you want to have another _space_." Doyoung mimics his accent and rolls his eyes.

"Yes."

"You're kidding."

Silence.

"Fuck, Johnny. Okay, I'll just scream and cry here then." Doyoung begins to open his mouth to scream but Johnny is quick to cover it with his palm.

Johnny laughs. Loud and clear. 

"Why are you so cute?" Johnny says, only to laugh again.

"You think me being anxious and scared of another break is cute?" 

"No. Sorry. I shouldn't have said it like that. About the space, I really mean it. But this time, I want to do it with you, in a cabin up in the mountains. Here." Johnny unlocks his phone and shows the picture of the cabin he has saved as screenshots.

Doyoung's jaw drops. The world inside his mind wants to do a roll. He lifts his head up so his tears won't come out and fall. He feels freaking stupid for wanting to cry. It's not like he has never imagined spending days with Johnny somewhere alone. Oh, he has done that for far too many times. And he cannot believe it's really going to happen this time. 

"I hate you," he says, successfully stopping himself from tearing up.

"I know. I'm sorry. But will you say yes to this invite?"

"Do you even need to ask? Of course it's a yes!"

Johnny pumps his fist and lets out a little celebratory _Yes!_ at himself, "Oh to be alone with the man of my life, in a little cabin up in the mountains in Switzerland."

"Wait." Doyoung stops himself, "Switzerland?" body now fully turned to face Johnny.

"Yes?"

It takes a moment for Doyoung to realize that the man beside him is not joking. At all.

"Of course. Of course you're going to do this. I forgot I am dating an American." 

"Of course! Why not? But only after your thesis defense."

"Fair enough." Doyoung says as he leans in towards the taller man.

Closer.

And closer.

Their faces are now inches apart. The world stops. At least for Doyoung. Who is now almost on top of Johnny. He takes his sweet time scanning his boyfriend's face: forehead, eyebrows, eyes (those pretty, pretty eyes), nose, cheeks and that little mole in between. 

His eyes linger at the plump lips. They really never disappoint his taste buds. 

Now parting his own lips, Doyoung is just millimeters away to capture his man's--

"One soba bowl, one mushroom burger, one iced americano, one iced green tea. Desserts will come later like usual," says the waitress as she puts down the food and drinks on their table. Doyoung plops back down on the couch, freezing on the spot. Blood rushing up to fill his cheeks and ears. He wants to die. 

"Enjoy your meals, lovebirds." She winks at them as she leaves their table.

"Silly Johnny and his stupid fucking perfect lips," Doyoung murmurs to himself as he reaches the chopsticks and slams them inside his soba noodles.

Johnny grins at him. Completely amused at his boyfriend's antiques. He playfully bumps his shoulder to Doyoung's, earning a full-on glare from the younger man.

"We have all the time in the universe to do that later, baby," Johnny teases.

"Shut up." Doyoung says, munching on his noodles, and Johnny can't help but steal a kiss on his rosy cheek. 

**Author's Note:**

> this is my second attempt of writing fic, a refreshing escape amid the academic papers that i am buried in.
> 
> also, the "astronaut" bit was from Astrid S' Such A Boy. i thought the line was funny (and amazing!!). and what's a love story without Taylor Swift's Lover, right????
> 
> all in all, what did i even write?! asdfghshkjkfhs


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